journal 07: warmth

Sunday, February 18th, 2024

Every new year begins with all the momentum of a fresh start and every year it takes me about three days to remember, it’s January. There is actually not much momentum at all for me in the first few months of the year. The weather outside is grey and cold and the holiday parties that crammed December create a very solitary month in comparison. Photographing families quiets down in favour of warmer weather to come and I have more time to rest, reflect and tackle some bigger items on the to-do list (such as a much-needed website update in the works).

I am grateful for this opportunity to retreat inwards as much of nature does during this time. And unsurprisingly, in one of life’s many beautiful contradictions, I have found this to be the warmest time of all. Food is made at home and piping hot. Candles are lit as snow falls outside. The social calendar gives way to time at home filled with crafts, books and play. And in this warmth, there are the people who make it even warmer. Brighter. Filling the gaps of a lonely month with friendship and intimacy.

And then it’s February and Valentine’s arrives and we all celebrate love. And I thought about warmth even further. What creates warmth, what facilitates its arrival? What ensures that it is felt? To me, it always comes back to connection. They walk hand in hand and in typical chicken/egg fashion, I am not sure which comes first. Only that they work together. The best places and people on this earth feel warm to me and it’s this joy of connection that breeds deep closeness.

There are a few more weeks of winter and a few more weeks of inviting some warmth into your home. Get curious about the people around you. Show genuine interest, intentionally so. Demonstrate care and kindness as often as you can. Serve food from the oven and linger a little longer when the plates are empty. Connect. Winter invites a sort of slowing down and perhaps when we do, we will spend that extra time looking at all the beautiful things around us. Taking notice and sharing what we find with others. It all lives in the present, right here, in the snow and the warmth.

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January 3rd, 2024

First journal entry of the new year. First time writing 2024. That was the second.

I have been thinking of the concept of manifesting, of the things I’ve been feeling drawn towards, things I’ve been dreaming of in these dream-like days. Between orgasms and naps, between cups of tea that grow cold. Movies I check off my list. Thoughts that interrupt the books I am reading.

January 11th, 2024

I love the sounds as I place my book on my nightstand, done reading for the night. The wire-rimmed glasses fall to the side with a light clink. The hardcovers stack on top of each other with a muted thud. The lid clicks into place on the pen. An acoustic vignette of a warm life. Beside my bed.

The world needs a quiet sort of artist. We also need grand artists, the same way we needed the brave few who sailed across the world in the name of discovery. We need big photographs of beautiful places. We need art that makes bold statements and asks even bolder questions. But, we also need the sort of everyday artist. The creatives who are going to look at their coffee cup and see the beauty of the world, who can see each day anew. People who remind others that beauty exists everywhere, in each moment. Sometimes my art feels quiet, and other times that is exactly what I love about it.

February 5th, 2024

I lost my pen, so I am writing with a dull pencil crayon on the train back from Montreal. Belly laughs, tears streaming down our faces as we drank local white wine in hotel bathrobes.

I feel so much support from these two. We talked about our “words”- one word that would best describe each of us. They told me how I see beauty everywhere, as if it’s my very existence. How I romanticize my life. Maggi called me bold. It is inspiring to celebrate friends in a more intentional way and to say it, out loud, so they can hear it.

Maddy offers so much validation and generously so. Complete excitement, genuine interest. She really champions people and is quick to care for others- to apologize, to compliment, to inquire, to celebrate. I admire how she shows up for the people in her life. Maggi is really finding her groove. She has this incredible spirit, this spice and a real humour and wit. I feel her stepping into her power and embracing who she truly is. I am proud of my friends.

February 15th, 2024

Yesterday was Valentine’s- one of my favourite days of the year. It always makes me laugh when people protest the celebration of such a “Hallmark” holiday. Sure it might be completely commercialized, but it is also just a marked occasion of celebrating love in all of its forms. And I can’t really imagine fighting too hard against that.

February 16th, 2024, morning

I will be visiting my sister in Bermuda in less than a week. People acknowledge each other on the street. When you walk into a store, you engage in conversation before any kind of business. It is considered rude if you do not. And I am glad because that is rude. When did it become so ordinary to ignore one another? To not care for one another, about one another? I can always tell when someone’s greeting is just a quick formality en route to a favour or request. And some people just bypass that completely, launching into whatever self-centred idea prompted them to reach out. Time is money and we have stopped regarding kindness as valuable currency.

afternoon

I think of him often and how he kissed me well and held my wrist as he slept. I am happy in those small moments when I can run my fingertips through his curly hair, my touch willing his busy mind to remain still, with me. In the quiet we find each other with ease. We are better bodies than minds. He stirs awake and lives a rich life in the stories of his own making and I’m still here in this bed, in this body waiting to be picked apart and unravelled. I wish he would come to me, probing and curious. I want this man to learn me, to be hungry with questions and very tender with the answers. His mind is brilliant but I want to be seen as I am and he fills in all of my unknowns with his own creations. I become part desire, part fear and part him. His thoughts carry him away and he talks to me when he wants to be heard and I wonder where it is that I exist. I can’t find myself in the stories he makes of me.